


Frozenstuck

by LegallyAlexander_Fanfiction



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, i made this years ago as a fun joke and figured i'd publish it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 08:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13520451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LegallyAlexander_Fanfiction/pseuds/LegallyAlexander_Fanfiction
Summary: Homestuck but Frozen but not. I wrote it to be a skit some friends of mine and I would do but it's been years so I figured I'd just give it to the masses. Have fun.P.S. it's a musical, I did my best to change the lyrics too. Keep in mind I wrote this in my early high school years and I'm now in late college.





	Frozenstuck

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the worst thing you will ever read. Enjoy!

Frozen!stuck

 

DAVE: Is Anna. Much to his displeasure.  
JOHN: Is Kristoff. Always has CASEY with him.  
BRO/BRO-TROLL: Is Elsa. Instigated this whole incident.  
LIL CAL: Is Olaf. Scares Dave no matter what he does.  
JADE/JADE-TROLL: Is Hans. She’s just doing the role to have fun.  
KARKAT: Is every important troll. Don’t question it.  
ROSE/ROSE-TROLL: Any back ground character needed.  
MOM: Person who runs “Wandering Texan’s Bar and Grill”. Constantly drunk.  
DAD/DAD-TROLL (for like… one line. Don’t worry about it.): Mom’s “family” that helps run “Wandering Texan’s Bar and Grill”

[Do you wanna do some strifing?]  
DAVE: Bro?   
Do you wanna do some strifing?  
C'mon lets go today.  
I never see you anymore  
Come out the door.  
It's like you've gone away.

We used to be best bros.  
And now we're not.  
I wish you would tell me why!  
Do you wanna do some strifing?  
It doesn't have to be a long one.

BRO: go away Dave! I'm watching Frozen!

DAVE: ok bye...

Do you wanna do some strifing?  
Or make some wicked-ass prank calls.  
I think some company is overdue,  
I started talking to the pictures on the walls.  
Hang in there John!  
It gets a little lonely  
In theses empty rooms  
Just watching the hours tick by.  
Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

[Dialog to be written on later date or naw... haven’t decided yet]

Bro   
Please... I know you're in there.  
People are asking where you've been.  
They say of courage  
And I'm trying to  
I'm right here for you  
Just let me in.  
We only have each other.  
It's just you and me.  
What're we gonna do?  
Do you wanna do some strifing?  
BRO: Dave, why haven’t you watched Frozen yet?  
DAVE: i told you bro  
DAVE: shits too mainstream  
BRO: You’re going to watch it  
BRO: or act it out, your choice little man  
DAVE: i choose neither  
BRO: fine  
BRO: you just don’t want to do it because you sound like a girl when you sing.  
[DAVE looks done with BRO’s shit]  
DAVE: im gonna meet up with Harley  
DAVE: later  
[DAVE exits and BRO walks the other way.]  
[DAVE is now seen walking along and humming “For the First Time in Forever” and JADE glomps him]  
[Love is an open door]  
DAVE: Can I just say something crazy?  
JADE: I love crazy!  
DAVE: All my life has been a series of Dorks in my face.  
And then suddenly I bump into you.  
JADE: I don't see a difference but... I've been searching my whole life to find my own place.  
And maybe it's the heat talking or the really big food.  
DAVE: but with you JADE: but with you I found my place.  
DAVE: I see his face.  
UNISON: and it's nothing like I've ever know before.

Love is an open door!  
Love is an open door!   
Love is an open door!

DAVE: with him  
JADE: with you  
DAVE: with him  
JADE: with you

UNISON: Love is an open door.

JADE: I mean it's crazy  
DAVE: what?  
JADE: we finish each others  
DAVE: sentences  
JADE: that's what I was gonna say  
DAVE: I've never met someone   
UNISON: who thinks so much like me  
Jinx! Jinx again!

Our mental synchronisation  
Can have but one explanation  
JADE: you  
DAVE: and I  
UNISON-ish: were just meant to be  
DAVE: say good bye  
JADE: say good bye   
UNISON: to the pain of the past  
We don't have to feel it anymore!

Love is an open door!  
Love is an open door!  
Life can be so much more!

DAVE: with John  
JADE: with Dave   
DAVE: with him  
JADE: with you!

Love is an open door.

JADE: can I say something crazy? Will you marry me?  
DAVE: can I say something even crazier?! I'm gay.  
JADE: Can I say something crazy?  
[JADE gets down on one knee]  
JADE: Will you marry me?  
DAVE: *ironic gasp*  
DAVE: can i say something crazier?  
DAVE: im gay  
JADE: D:  
JADE: You’re supposed to say yes!  
DAVE: no  
[BRO, who has been sitting in the background with the other actors, walks over]  
BRO: say yes little man  
DAVE: hell no  
DAVE: and when did we get back in the apartment?  
[JOHN joins]  
JOHN: c’mon dave, say yes  
DAVE: [audibly sighs] alright fine  
DAVE: im doing this for john  
DAVE: wait when did john get here?  
[ROSE joins JOHN, picks up his hood and makes wind noises, signaling JOHN doing the WINDY THING]  
JOHN: uhh… i’m not.   
[JOHN chuckles nervously before absconding to where the actors are supposed to be with ROSE following behind and continuing to make JOHN’S HOOD do the WINDY THING]  
DAVE: fine ill marry you  
JADE: :D  
BRO: David, you can’t marry a woman you just met.  
DAVE: but bro you just said-  
BRO: No Dave, don’t take off my glove.  
DAVE: im nowhere near your glove  
[BRO throws his glove at DAVE.]   
BRO: shit. [Holds his gloveless arm with his other as if trying to control it] I’m freezing everything!  
[BRO absconds to the roof. JADE shakes DAVE’s shoulders]  
JADE: Are you sure it’s safe to go after your bro?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: we strife on the roof all the time  
JADE: Ok, I’ll be in charge of Texas while you’re gone  
DAVE: whatever  
[DAVE goes to the roof to hear BRO singing “Let it Go” and sees LI’L CAL close to the castle he put up there.]  
DAVE: [shouting] bro you cant just sing on the roof  
BRO: shut up David!  
BRO: can’t you see I’m letting it go?  
DAVE: oh my god bro no  
DAVE: bro you cant do this to me i have a blog  
[JADE joins them on the roof]  
JADE: psst. Dave. You gotta find Kristoff first.  
DAVE: whos kristoff?  
[JADE shrugs, getting a sigh from DAVE who heads back down to the apartment]  
DAVE: whatever im out  
[DAVE heads out, going into a restaurant]  
DAVE: “Wandering Texans bar and grill” seems legit  
[DAVE enters, seeing mom at the counter]  
MOM: hoohoo  
MOM: want some vokda?  
MOM: *vodka?  
DAVE: im good  
DAVE: waters fine thanks  
[JOHN enters holding CASEY]  
MOM: hoohoo  
MOM: vodka?  
[MOM holds up a bottle of VODKA]  
JOHN: YOU CAN’T SELL ALCOHOL TO MINORS!  
[MOM stands up]  
MOM: You’re not gonna tell the cops are you?  
JOHN: maybe i am!  
[JOHN absconds from MOM leaning forward menacingly and MOM turns her attention to DAVE]  
MOM: vodka  
DAVE: water  
MOM: Yeah, my family and I run this business.  
[MOM turns to DAD]  
MOM: hoohoo, family [waves at DAD]  
DAD: hoohoo! [Waves back]  
JOHN: [in background] oh my god! Dad!  
[MOM hands DAVE a glass which he eyes suspiciously before drinking it]  
DAVE: do you know who kristoff is  
DAVE: im supposed to meet him  
MOM: No, I don’t know any Christopher.  
[DAVE sighs and exits, seeing JOHN sitting on the ground singing “Salamanders are Better than People” “with” Casey]  
JOHN: Salamanders are better than people  
Casey don’t you think that’s true?  
“CASEY”: Yeah people will beat you, and curse you, and cheat you  
Everyone of them’s bad… except you.  
JOHN: Aww… thanks buddy.  
But people smell better than salamanders.  
Casey don’t you think I’m right?  
“Casey”: That’s once again true…  
For all except you!  
JOHN: Hey wait a sec.  
JOHN: That’s rude Casey… apologize!  
“Casey”: hehe… sorry  
DAVE: oh my god john  
DAVE: are you supposed to be kristoff?  
JOHN: maaaayyyyyyybbbbeeeeeee…  
DAVE: oh my god really?  
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: i found you now lets go get my bro  
JOHN: let’s go in the morning  
DAVE: no! were going now!  
JOHN: [sighs] fine.  
[JOHN picks up CASEY and walks with DAVE after handing ROSE his guitar]  
JOHN: where is your bro anyways?  
DAVE: he absconded to the roof  
JOHN: what made him abscond to the roof?  
DAVE: hes being a little girl  
DAVE: threw his glove at me  
DAVE: said something about freezing the place  
JOHN: oh.  
DAVE: yup  
[JOHN, DAVE, and CASEY walk to the apartment door where they spot LI’L CAL]  
LIL CAL: Hi! I’m Li’l Cal and I like warm hugs.  
DAVE: [silent screaming]  
JOHN: i didn’t know your puppet talked  
DAVE: [still screaming]  
[LI’L CAL sings his version of “In Summer”]  
LIL CAL: Bees will buzz  
Something about dandelion fuzz  
I’ll be singing a better song in summer.  
Drink in my hand… the writers got too lazy to  
Actually write a good cover in summer.  
Insert innuendo about plastic melting in heat here because the play write was too lazy to come up with anything… thanks a lot John.  
JOHN: wait… so your puppet sings too?  
DAVE: [sobbing]  
LIL CAL: So who’s the shorty?  
DAVE: [doesn’t answer]  
JOHN: Casey…  
LIL CAL: And the salamander?  
JOHN: … Casey.  
LIL CAL: You’re both named Casey! That makes it easier for me!  
JOHN: :/  
[They walk off in the direction of the roof, when they see the castle, JOHN sets CASEY on the ground before walking up to it.]  
JOHN: aww~ it’s so cute!  
DAVE: don’t encourage him  
[DAVE walks around the castle towards his bro, turning around quickly before JOHN and LIL CAL can properly follow]  
DAVE: you should wait here  
DAVE: hes weird and unpredictable  
JOHN: ok.  
LIL CAL: But…  
[DAVE stares at LI’L CAL in horror before booking it towards his bro]  
DAVE: bro  
DAVE: please stop doing this  
BRO: You gonna watch Frozen then?  
DAVE: hell no  
BRO: then get out  
DAVE: not unless you come with me  
BRO: it’s better for me here  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: no it’s not  
[For the First Time in Forever Reprise]  
DAVE: you don't have to ignore me  
I'm not gonna watch it.  
Please don't shut me out again!  
Please don't slam the door.   
You don't have to keep your distance anymore!

Cause the first time in like six weeks  
You’re not glued to the TV  
For the first time in like six weeks  
Your actually talking with me  
We can get off this roof together!  
You don't have to live in heat!  
For the first time in like six weeks...  
There's some Doritos in the apartment let’s just go downstairs and eat

BRO: Dave!  
Please go back home.  
Your life awaits.  
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates.  
DAVE: yeah but-  
BRO: I know you mean well.  
But leave me be.   
Yes I'm alone  
But I'm alone and free.  
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me.

DAVE: actually we're not  
BRO: What do you mean you're not.  
DAVE: I get the feeling you don't know.  
BRO: What do I not know?  
DAVE: Texas is in deep deep deep deep.... Shit.  
BRO: what?!  
DAVE: not really, I was just playing along there for a second.  
BRO: Your not gonna tell me that I froze all of Texas?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: because you didn’t  
DAVE: have you seen the sky?  
DAVE: it’s nice out  
[LIL CAL enters]  
LIL CAL: Hi I’m Li’l Cal and I like warm hugs  
BRO: You missed your cue little man  
LIL CAL: Aww… I thought I timed it right.  
BRO: Nope sorry. Oh and Dave… I froze your heart in the last stong.  
BRO: Gotta go find the trolls bro.  
DAVE: more people to find?!  
DAVE: why?  
BRO: I didn’t write the script. Talk to the creators of Frozen. Or John.  
[DAVE looks over at JOHN who happily waves at the other]  
DAVE: dammit john  
[BRO leans down to talk to LIL CAL]  
BRO: Sorry Cal. I gotta kick you out with Dave for the sake of the plot.  
LIL CAL: Aww  
[ROSE enters carrying a large marshmallow]  
DAVE: rose  
DAVE: why are you here?  
ROSE: I’m not Rose at the moment. I’m playing the part of Marshmallow. [ROSE squeeze the marshmallow in her hand]  
DAVE: marshmallow?  
ROSE: You’d know who that is if you watched the movie.  
ROSE: Oh! And…  
[ROSE squeezes the Marshmallow as she speaks.]  
ROSE: “Go Away.”  
[ROSE pushes DAVE and LIL CAL out and eventually JOHN, which breaks his glasses, and he quickly tapes them back together.]  
DAVE: ill get you new ones  
DAVE: but first we’re supposed to find the trolls.  
DAVE: i can only guess who that’s going to be.  
[The castle and BRO go “out of view” signifying change in scenery and KARKAT enters as well as every other actor wearing troll horns excluding DAVE, JOHN, LIL CAL, and CASEY]  
[Fixer Upper]  
BRO TROLL: What's the issue, dear?  
Why are you holding back from such a man?  
Is it the clumpy way he walks?

JADE TROLL: Or the grumpy way he talks?

ROSE TROLL: Or the pear-shaped, square-shaped  
Weirdness of his feet?

BRO TROLL: And though we know he washes well  
He always ends up sort of smelly.

JADE TROLL: But you'll never meet a fellow who's as

ROSE TROLL AND KARKAT: Sensitive and sweet!  
So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,  
So he's got a few flaws.

JADE TROLL: Like his peculiar brain dear,

BRO TROLL: His thing with the salamander.

Troll Duet: That's a little outside of nature's laws!

JOHN: This is not about me!

Small Group of Trolls: So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,  
but this we're certain of  
You can fix this fixer-upper  
Up with a little bit of love!

JOHN: Can we please just  
Stop talking about this?  
I'm not a homosexual.

ROSE TROLL: Sure you're not.  
John,

JOHN: what?

ROSE: Is it the way that he runs scared?

BRO TROLL: Or that he's socially impaired?

KARKAT: Or that he only likes to tinkle in the woods?

DAVE: What the- I do not!

BRO TROLL: Are you holding back your  
Fondness due to his unmanly blondness?

Female Trolls: Or the way he covers  
Up that he's the honest goods?

All Trolls: He's just a bit of a fixer-upper,  
He's got a couple of bugs

DAVE AND JOHN: No I don't!

ALL TROLLS: His isolation is confirmation  
Of his desperation for human hugs

JOHN: aww...

ALL TROLLS: So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,  
But we know what to do  
The way to fix up this fixer-upper  
Is to fix him up with you!

JOHN: ENOUGH! He is engaged  
to someone else, okay?!

(blink, blink)

BRO TROLL: So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,

ROSE TROLL: That's a minor thing.

JADE TROLL: His quote 'engagement' is a flex arrangement.

KARKAT: And by the way I don't see no ring!

TROLLS: So he's a bit of a fixer-upper,  
His brain's a bit betwixt  
Get the fiancé out of the way and  
The whole thing will be fixed.

JADE TROLL: We're not sayin' you can change him,  
'Cause people don't really change. (Trolls: Ahh Ahhh)  
We're only saying that love's a force  
That's powerful and strange.  
People make bad choices if they're mad,  
Or scared, or stressed.  
Throw a little love their way.

Female Trolls: Throw a little love their way.

TROLLS: And you'll bring out their best.

All Trolls: True love brings out the best!  
Everyone's a bit of a fixer-upper,  
That's what it's all about!

RANDOM DAD TROLL: Father!

ROSE AND JADE: Sister!

BRO: Brother!

All Trolls: We need each other  
To raise us up and round us out.  
Everyone's a bit of a fixer-upper,  
But when push comes to shove.

LI'L CAL:  
The only fixer-upper fixer  
That can fix a fixer-upper is

Trolls:  
True! true!  
True, true, true!  
Love (True love)  
Love, love, love, love, love  
Love! (True love!)

True...

KARKAT: Do you, John, take Dave to be your troll-fully wedded-

JOHN: Wait, what?!

KARKAT: You're getting married!

Trolls: Love!

[KARKAT walks up to DAVE]  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE ICE IN YOUR HEART. ONLY AN ACT OF TRUE LOVE WILL UNFREEZE IT. INTERPRET THAT HOW YOU WILL, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK!  
DAVE: i have a feeling its not going to be true loves kiss  
JOHN: you have to kiss jade!  
DAVE: but that’s not my-  
JOHN: let’s go!  
[JOHN holds CASEY up and tries to gallop around]  
DAVE: there has to be a faster way of getting around  
DAVE: like walking or something.  
[JOHN pulls DAVE, LIL CAL, and CASEY close to him]  
JOHN: alright! i’m gonna do the windy thing!  
[JOHN makes whooshing noises and/or ROSE blows a fan in his direction]  
DAVE: but john  
DAVE: kissing jade isn’t going to do shit because-  
LIL CAL: Let’s go kiss Jade!  
[JOHN looks at DAVE]  
JOHN: why?  
LIL CAL: Who is this Jade?  
DAVE: never mind  
[JOHN drops LIL CAL and walks DAVE to what people will hopefully perceive as a door.]  
JOHN: well… this is where we part ways.  
DAVE: but  
[JADE opens the door and pulls DAVE in, trying to speed things along]  
DAVE: please tell me we’re not going to kiss  
[JADE leans in as if she’s going to kiss DAVE and then pulls away]  
JADE: Oh Dave. If only there was someone who loved you.  
DAVE: i feel like we just missed a ton of dialogue  
[JADE exits, JOHN waits in the actor’s corner for her]  
DAVE: what the hell just happened?  
[LIL CAL enters]  
LIL CAL: Oh no! What happened to kissing Jade? Did it not work?  
DAVE: *silently screaming*  
[LIL CAL walks over to DAVE]  
DAVE: nope nope nope nope…  
LIL CAL: I’m not supposed to tell you this, but Bro was captured by Jade.  
DAVE: oh what the hell  
[DAVE exits with LIL CAL following. The scene changes to JADE and BRO]  
JADE: You put ice in your brother’s heart and now he’s dead!  
BRO: *overdramatically* NOOOOOOOO!  
[DAVE runs towards BRO as JADE aims her “rifle” at him and uses his body as a shield. JADE fires and it hits DAVE]  
BRO: oh no! Little man no!  
[BRO drapes himself over DAVE who’s standing there confused]  
DAVE: im fine bro  
BRO: *gross sobbing*  
DAVE: bro  
DAVE: bro seriously  
BRO: oh thank god! You’re suddenly unfrozen!  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: an act of true love  
DAVE: how did i not see this coming?  
[Everyone leaves DAVE there and ROSE hands him new glasses for JOHN]  
DAVE: oh thanks  
[JOHN enters, his old glasses gone and he’s feeling around blindly, using CASEY as a guide dog]  
DAVE: hey Egbert  
[DAVE puts the glasses on JOHN’s face and JOHN adjusts them]  
JOHN: sweet! new glasses! thanks dave!  
JOHN: i could kiss you right now!  
JOHN: but i’m not going to because i’m not a homosexual  
DAVE: aw hell no  
DAVE: I did not go through this stupid disney crap to not get a kiss at the end  
[DAVE pulls JOHN towards him and kisses him, ROSE enters]  
ROSE: And they lived happily ever after. The end.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this being the shittiest thing in the entire existence of every universe.


End file.
